She has anger as she snarls and is snappy, she’s quick with her words and they are coming out in massive waves.
Her words are also jumbling together like a gigantic knot.
Something has been irritating her for some time now.
She’s thinking of the wounds around her wrists.
She’s starting to not make sense when she talks.
She feels like her heart is about ready to pop.
Cutting like a knife again to her wrists.
Searching for someone to love.
What should she say next?
What will hurt her the most?
How will she defend?
The word uses to hurt at all don’t affect many.
She says “ I am the victim.”
She also says: “I am also the attacker too I want to destroy.”
Who will relate?
Who will collapse?
Who will lose?
Does anyone win?
How will the slashes heal, the cuts and bruises?
What will she do next time?
She’s a typical normal girl,
Except her story is a bit more complicated.
She has a medical history that surpasses most at her age.
Something that started out so simple
And turned in an instant into something completely life changing.
Deep down inside she carries the trauma of it around with her. Always.
She tends to look at life differently,
She sees it as less defined.
She learns things in her own way, as most people do,
She just needs to have the confidence that her way will work.
There is no doubt she will succeed,
Only if she wants too.
The fear and frustration of it all shows itself
In a form of anxiety.
It’s as if she is tied down by a big thick heavy rope,
Lately I can see, the ropes have loosened,
And she is freer, happier, and much braver.
The Goal – to untie those ropes and leave them behind.
Be Safe – feel confident and GROW!
There is no limit to what you can do!!!
It won’t always be easy
It won’t always be hard
You are just on a bumpy road
And that road is called life.
The road maybe long
It might be scary to you
But everyone drives
down this road once.
People climb the highest mountains
And swim the deepest seas.
They concur their biggest fears
And achieve bigger dreams.
Don’t be scared of the future
Because once it's here
You will be stronger.
And over your fears.
Being stronger doesn’t kill you
It kills the fears you once had
All things that scared you before.
Will just be left as memories.
Don’t give yourself worries.
Don’t give yourself pain
Be positive. Head high.
You have everything to gain.
- Taylor Mischelle
Do you want to know what a panic attack feels like? Well, here you go..
You feel it everywhere. A numbness in your fingers, then your face, and later your toes. A harsh tingling, that creeps up through your limbs through your entire body. Your chest feels as though it is being stabbed or sat upon, it is physically painful. You feel choked, and though you can be breathing normally, you can feel as though you are getting no air at all. Lightheaded, you feel like you could go down at any minute or like you are hardly even there at all. Floating, or merely operating on auto drive. Your stomach turns, and you feel like throwing up. Crying, everything gets cold. If you do not know what is happening, you can feel like you are literally dying. Like you could be having a heart attack.
They still happen. Not as often, but when they do they are a huge slap in the face, reminding me that I am not okay. The bright side is that after learning how to breathe correctly, I can at least somewhat control them. All of the physical symptoms are still there and it can last for hours, but I can at least keep them from getting worse. I can take slow steady breaths. I force myself to continue what I am doing as I hold back tears and hear my voice beginning to crack. As I feel like I am dying.
If you say anything about it, people ask what is wrong. You say nothing, because there is no reason. “What happened? Why are you panicking? Your life isn’t even that bad.” Sometimes something simple can set it off, sometimes it can come seemingly out of nowhere, when things are going smoothly and I least expect it. If it were a normal stress response, it wouldn’t be called a disorder.
Most people don’t really understand it’s not because you are actually scared about anything, it’s just happening to you. Between it all, you are short with people. They ask if you want to do something and you say no, but you cannot explain why. You cannot say out loud that you cannot do things because you are having a breakdown or because you are in the middle of a panic attack. You are distant. Sometimes glued to the bed. Other times you cannot be alone because you already feel yourself spiraling and you just want to scream.
This is just what my experience is when it comes to how a panic attack feels. Not everyone has the same kind of triggers when it comes to having an attack. I have dealt with these horrible panic attacks my whole life and I have seemed to gotten them somewhat under control, but when they hit, they come on in full force and knock me to my feet.
Do you suffer from panic attacks? If so, what are your experiences when it comes to having an attack? What tiggers you?
Anxiety is getting invited somewhere and wanting to go, but your mind telling you it’s a bad idea.
Anxiety is waking up in the morning feeling fine, but knowing it’s only a matter of time before something sets you off.
Anxiety is being tired constantly... a tiredness which no amount of sleep can take away.
Anxiety is the fear everyone is judging you. Even people you’ve never met before.
Anxiety is finding that person you’re comfortable around and never leaving their side at a party.
Anxiety is thinking you’re about to have a heart attack, even though you’re only in your twenties and in perfect health.
Anxiety is having a sick stomach over things that shouldn’t even matter.
Anxiety is having to make up excuses even when you’re dying for some social interaction.
Anxiety is wanting to live on your own, but fearing you will never get to that point.
Anxiety is looking at the clock during a test and panicking, even if you’ve only been at it for five minutes.
Anxiety is the fear of not being good enough even if it’s obvious everyone loves you.
Anxiety is having to take medication just to get through the day.
Anxiety is doing good on a test, but obsessing over every little mistake you made.
Anxiety is saying “sorry” to everyone you talk to, because you worry you’re annoying them.
Anxiety is excruciating headaches, that make you feel like your head is going to explode.
Anxiety is feeling faint even when there’s no way you’d actually pass out.
Anxiety is the fear of being called on in class, because you’re worried you don’t know the answer.
Anxiety is an every day thing, so don’t judge based on things you don’t know.
Noun: a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
It's a feeling of wanting to run away and hide in a dark place away from everyone and everything and to never come back out. Trying to have words come out but instead you're left with jumbling over your words and stuttering. Maybe even to the point where you can't even get any words or sounds out of your mouth. Intense feelings of sudden doom and hopelessness. Chest pains and feeling like you can't breathe. Just praying you won't pass out and will get through whatever current situation is happening. Standing there scratching at your skin to calm yourself and hoping no one notices. Refusing to do anything out of normal routine. Fearing meeting and talking to new people. Overthinking and picking apart everything. Always worrying and questioning everything. Wanting to constantly cry. Crying until you can't breathe anymore. Numbness and shaking throughout your whole body and spacing out. Heartbeat is so fast you think it might explode. Nausea and dizziness to the point where you can't stand anymore. Forever afraid of being judged and being super self conscious and insecure about yourself in everything you do. Hoping you don't screw things up. Hoping you can survive the day without having a full blown anxiety attack.
There's just not one word or one way to describe anxiety. It comes in all different forms and it's different for everyone. Above I described it as I see it and from my own personal experience and ongoing battle with it. Anxiety sucks. It's an every day battle. Take baby steps. You can ease your anxiety. Don't rush into any situation you aren't comfortable with. Always remember to take deep breathes and to tell yourself you can do it, don't let your mind win.
Mental illnesses are real. I see them everywhere. Walking down the school halls, I see empty eyes and fake smiles. I see long sleeves and tons of bracelets.
Depression might be the girl who hides her wrists, sits in the back of class, who’s always late, and is sleep deprived.
Depression might also be the girl who sits up front, has no cuts, smart, and pretty.
Depression doesn’t mean physical destruction. They dont have to hurt themselves to be depressed.
Depression might mean laying in bed for hours because you can’t get up. It might mean over-eating or not eating enough. It might mean sleeping for 12 hours, or sleeping for 2. Just because they don’t look sad, doesn’t mean they’re not.
Anxiety might be the girl who studders when she talks. She hides, doesn’t talk much, and is failing her classes because she refuses to present. She cries in the bathrooms and everyone knows.
Anxiety might also be the girl who can speak in front of the class just fine. She might have the strongest voice in the room.
Anxiety isn’t all about not being able to talk or say things for yourself, or trying to avoid social activities.
Anxiety might mean staying up late for no reason for fear of the future. It might mean crying for hours and hours non stop because you can’t stop thinking about worse case scenarios. It might mean absent-mindedly chewing your nails down until they hurt and bleed.
Anorexia might be the skinny girl everyone knows. The one who is talked about because people notice she doesn’t eat. She starves and fasts and purges until you can see every bone in her body.
Anorexia might also be the slightly chubby girl. The one who says she’s not hungry, or doesn’t like eating in public. You might not see her ribcage or hipbones but every night she listens to her stomach growl for food and she denys it, drowning it’s sound with gallons of water.
Bulimia might be the girl who’s barely there. They talk about her too, because they’ve seen and heard her force herself to throw up over and over to get it all out. She shivers because what used to be her is gone.
Bulimia might also be the girl who’s always “happy,” and “loves” food. Who will shove her hand down her throat when no one’s in the restrooms and upturns her stomach into the toilet bowl.
OCD might be the girl who cleans evrything and is a perfectionist. The one who makes sure everything is perfect. Her notes are written over and over until she’s satisfied. Even the gashes on her thighs and wrists. Perfectly her way.
OCD might also be the girl who has to have an odd number of pencils with her. She might need to slam the door exactly 24 times because it’s “not right.” She might be the one who pushes her friends in the hall and is called “dangerous” when in her mind, it just wasn’t perfect.
Mental illnesses are NOT beautiful or romantic. They’re terrible and controlling. They hurt people and everyone around them. Don’t let them control you.
Do you, your loved one or anyone else you know have a mental illness? Show them this post and show them that they are not the only ones who go though it. Do not forget to share and leave comments below.